wildfires: by Alissa Moreno

when you get the feeling it's not in you

and all those times remind you of what you can't do

remember me, i've lost and loved and i am not giving up

though i've been torn, i've been used, i've been fooled, i've abused all my rights to living

Cuz we survive, we get by

we take those hits and we learn to fight

we collide, but we don't die

trying to burn out, don't you put out

wildfires...

Let them come

Let them burn up everything that's made me

till the end i swear i'm never gonna let them break me.

though I've been crushed, i've been killed

i am scared but God i will keep on tryin to mount this crazy hill

we survive, we get by

we take those hits and we learn to fight

we collide, we don't die

tryin to put out, dontcha put out

when there's no doubt how it's gonna turn out

let them burn out, dontcha put out

wildfires.

the thumping of an empty dream

i know my feelings are probably magnified in light of the christmas season, but more than ever am i desiring to fall in love. As cheezing as it sounds, it's true. Love is in the air. The more I listen to christmas music, the more I realize how much i love Christ and he loves me, the more i see couples wandering the streets at night admiring the xmas lights, the more i realize how much i want that. I want that man that desires to be with me. That man that i know would give everything he had for me and i for him.

now i know in due time things will work themselves out, but it's so hard. I always knew that i was a hopeless romantic. Someone once told me that when i loved i would love hard. Don't think that i'm dying here or extremely impatient, because i'm neither. I can wait, I have no choice. But i'm at that point where it hurts inside because I want to fall in love so badly.

It's exciting to think of the day when i will and what that might look like. But until then, i will sit listening to the thump of an empty dream.

Happy holiday season to everyone.

misrepresentation of the church and God.

i was watching the news last night and once again, i saw that church from the midwest out protesting at soldiers' funerals with their signs and listening to other protests about how much God hates fags, etc. I hate that they do that. I hate that they give Christians a bad rep. I remember hearing a statement once that said Christians are the number one reason people are atheists! These people are that cause...or a big part of it. So i went to their website and posted a comment, because i figured, i'm going to use my voice for good and let them know what i think.

this is what i wrote:

as a fellow christian...how can you sit and do the things you do (i.e. pickett at funerals) and say that it's biblical? how can you say that God hates fags? how can you use that kind of language? Last time i checked and i'm pretty sure any other christian would agree...the gospel is about compassion, Jesus' ministry was about helping the poor, those in need, not tearing them down with harsh words and ridiculous acts. The words that you speak have the ability to speak life and just as well, death. And the image that you portray to the world as christians does not in any way represent the image and character of Christ. It is sad to me to think that you could use your influence and media coverage to truly testify to God's goodness and desire to have a personal relationship with his creation. Yea people in this world do wrong things, but to act like you're exempt from that is ludacris. We are all sinners, we all fall short of the glory of God! But the beautiful thing is that God is a redemptive God. He is gracious. And it our job to share that GOOD NEWS with those who don't know it, but it isn't our job to save them...that is for the Holy Spirit to do, to work in their hearts. From out of the heart, the mouth speaks. The words that you are speaking to this nation, reflect your heart. And the only thing that is apparent to those that see you, is that you aren't full of the characteristics of God, you're full of judgmental and hateful comments. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. But to be in Christ is to transform your heart, your likeness to be like His.

disappointments....

so first off, i feel utterly selfish in thinking this...but i can't help it. This friday is my 21st birthday; a birthday that is supposed to mark all others; one that commemorates the start of an entirely new chapter of life; one that you get to share with your family and friends. Well for me, I won't get to see my mom or brother, and so she said she'd send my present along with my contacts that had arrived. So i pick up the bag from my grandma's to find my contacts, a jump rope, and a 25 dollar giftcard. Now my contacts, i didn't think were part of my present....HELLO i can't see without them!! i would have bought them but the place is at home. Then secondly, who buys someone a freakin jump rope for their 21st birthday?! i don't freakin remember the last time i used one! Give me a break! And then a giftcard, while i appreciate the thought, i can barely buy a stinkin shirt at the store with $25! I thought, well maybe since this is my 21st she'd do something special....guess not. I thought, i'm gonna get something super cool, something i've always wanted....but nope, nothing like that.
I feel bad that i'm so sad because it should be the thought that counts....but it makes me cry! There are so many things that i really wanted and i had expected....
guess this isn't going to be the birthday i had hoped for...
it won't be the special moment i had dreamed for...
it'll just be another year wasted
another tear shed
another disappointment to add to the list of many.

an opportunity of a lifetime

to be presented with an opportunity of a lifetime...one should be happy right? But what if you are in a place that you feel you should be at in this season of your life? Should you pass the other opportunity up? or will there be others? What if you miss it and that is what you were supposed to do? and if you miss it, and God gives you another, will it be just as good or better, or was the first one the best?

I find myself so torn. I have been presented the opportunity to pastor a youth ministry in Seattle, which I turned down. Then my pastor from home presented me with the chance to start up a youth ministry at a church plant in Monroe, which I turned down also. And I find myself questioning everything I used to be so sure of. I am at a church where I was not happy; but finally for the first time, I have started a group, with students who want to learn to share their faith, who want to reach out to their communities, and reach beyond what they know and do what they were meant for. And for the first time, I am starting to feel like I am doing what I was meant to do. But in the back of my mind I start to think, what if I am missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime? What if...

I told myself that I never want to be like my parents; I never want to wake up 10 or 20 years from now, wondering what my life would have been if I had taken that chance. I don't want to regret never truly living and taking risks.

I wish I had clarity. I wish God would make it so obvious where I need to be. Until then, I wait, silently, listening for His voice to speak to me.

chasing the unattainable

i am forever desiring to be in a place i am not. I try so hard to be content where i am but yet i always fail. i always want the man i cannot have. i always want what i cannot have. Lately I have been thinking so much about love. I try not to talk about it because at Northwest, that's the cliche thing for a girl. But for me, I've always been the biggest hopeless romantic there is. The greatest desire i have in life is to love; be it God, or my future husband, my future kids, my family, my friends, those who have no hope for life. I was built to love and to be loved. I think that's why it is the greatest command. So why is it so hard for that to happen? Why do i always like those who never like me? I try not to analyze things too much but being a girl, that is hard. I tend to think something is wrong with me, and maybe, just maybe if i did this or that, then they would like me; if i dressed nicer, or did my hair, or wore more makeup, actually looked more presentable, then that would get their attention. SO STUPID! I am who i am. I know who i am. But when your entire life, you are constantly compared to everyone else around you who love actually comes their way, it is hard not to think something is wrong with you. People say when you least expect it, it will come. But my reply is, what if you are never not expecting it? What if that is your biggest dream in life, to be loved? I try but i cannot stop thinking about it. More than the love of a guy too, but that passion, that emotion that comes from loving and being love. That intensity, vigor. I want to know that, to feel that. Sigh, when that day comes, beware, because I will love like I have never loved before. :) It is so exciting to me. The expectation. Incredible.

a humdrum anecdote of a melancholy girl

Shall we all be condemned to a life of love and loss? or shall some of us encounter the inexplicable lucky life of just love. I fear to think that I may become like that of Ms. Jane Austin; brilliant at what she did, but destined for a life of searing pain and possible regret. To have loved and lost, though of her own accord, and then to have been constantly reminded by the handsome face of her love and his child, for which he named her Jane, is in itself quite insufferable for my rational, but frail emotions.

I have been contemplating a quote I heard once upon a time:

"It is better to have loved and to have lost than to never have loved at all."

I shall know not how I feel about this; a glimpse of truth hanging from every word, yet my heart yearns to scream "blasphemy!" Tis better to have experienced pain? I once heard that without suffering there would be no compassion. But where does that fit? I simply cannot deny that it is a very great thing indeed to have loved; I wish it upon all who seek it. But at what cost, at what sacrifice will we give to know it? Is it truly worth experiencing? my heart says yes but my mind says no.

Ms. Austin became one of the premier authors of her time; the queen dreamer for all innocent girls who became captivated by her thoughts. Though is it true that she could not have that of which she wrote of? That it was impossible to be what she spoke of? Why...

I still long to love. But it would be a very sad day if that were to be lost.

~a humdrum anecdote of a melancoly girl.