Saturday, May 17, 2008

the ramblings of an insomniac


Some fear change while others welcome it with open arms. Graduation is one of those moments in which some embrace the uncertainty of their future like it's the only thing they have, while others fall into a dreaded and weary cycle of doubt and misdirection. I on the other hand fall somewhere in the middle. Cliche as it sounds, I am excited to some extent as to where the future will take me. I know the plans that God has for me are far greater than those that I can imagine. However, it becomes quite disheartening when one is oblivious as to what those plans actually entail. This time for me, the past couple weeks, has been refreshenly relaxing yet anxiety-filled as I struggle to find a second job. Trying to coordinate another job with my current one, the bills I need to pay, my future school plans, etc. is considerably overwhelming and causing my hair to turn grey. I don't want to get stuck having a job that I don't really love just for the sake of having one. Trust is a word that will have to consume my thoughts. Perseverance was my word for the first 4 years of college, so I guess that it is time to discover a new facet of God's power and grace. Trust is something I don't like to do; it is a word that holds countless painful memories; trust is something that God will have to show me so that I can learn to follow. As for now, I say farewell for I am too exhausted to continue the ramblings of an insomniac. ciao.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

mumbles of an insomniac

i can't sleep. haven't been able to lately. don't know why. it's probably why i can't seem to get over my sickness the past couple weeks. my body yearns for sleep like it yearns for life.

i have like 6.5 weeks left till graduation. i have never been so scared in my entire life. i can't hide behind school anymore. i'm an adult. life is happening whether i like it or not. i have no clue what's going to happen. i have no where to live and no money and even better, no job prospectives.

everyone i know already has summer plans of which i'm not included. i never thought i'd be graduating and so alone already. my life is chaos. i have so much homework piling up it's ridiculous. must graduate.

my eyes are burning right now, i'm so tired. i have a test tomorrow. definitely not prepared. guessing i'll be sick tomorrow morning from lack of sleep...or should i say this morning in about 5 hours. ugh. depressing, this lack of sleep.

i turned the radio on...maybe that will put me to sleep. i have a really long day tomorrow. and then i'm flying to california friday morning. people are annoying right now. maybe that's cuz i'm tired but i'm not thinking so. i need money....bad. i have so much to pay for right now and not enough money. i need a new car. mine is a piece of @#(*$. yep. that describes it.

i don't want to graduate. can i stay in school forever? i really want to go to grad school so that i can get my teaching certification....but nevertheless....no money for that. instead i'll get a lame job...not doing what i really want to...and paying on my million dollars of student loans until i'm old and decrepid.

that sounded hopeless. i'm ranting.

oh and everyone always comes to me ranting about their lives...their boy issues...blah blah blah.
i'm happy to help them but HELLO i have my own chaotic life to deal with and no one is trying to help me, or listen to my problems. no one seems to care about what is happening in my life.

i'm just as sick and tired of boys or lack there of. pretty sure i never thought i'd be graduating college and have never been in a relationship of any sort...not even a date.

i'm glad to an extent cuz i have standards but at the same time...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? what is it about me that guys aren't drawn to??? please inform me because it drives me nuts.

it's like having your biggest dream sitting right and front of you and someone telling you that all you can do is look and it but never touch it...never have it.

torture!

oh change...i love and hate it.

right now...i am moreso hating it.

this is me screaming in frustration. SKDFOSJOKFJSLDKFJLSDJFLSDKJFL

i need to go to sleep now. if possible.