an opportunity of a lifetime

to be presented with an opportunity of a lifetime...one should be happy right? But what if you are in a place that you feel you should be at in this season of your life? Should you pass the other opportunity up? or will there be others? What if you miss it and that is what you were supposed to do? and if you miss it, and God gives you another, will it be just as good or better, or was the first one the best?

I find myself so torn. I have been presented the opportunity to pastor a youth ministry in Seattle, which I turned down. Then my pastor from home presented me with the chance to start up a youth ministry at a church plant in Monroe, which I turned down also. And I find myself questioning everything I used to be so sure of. I am at a church where I was not happy; but finally for the first time, I have started a group, with students who want to learn to share their faith, who want to reach out to their communities, and reach beyond what they know and do what they were meant for. And for the first time, I am starting to feel like I am doing what I was meant to do. But in the back of my mind I start to think, what if I am missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime? What if...

I told myself that I never want to be like my parents; I never want to wake up 10 or 20 years from now, wondering what my life would have been if I had taken that chance. I don't want to regret never truly living and taking risks.

I wish I had clarity. I wish God would make it so obvious where I need to be. Until then, I wait, silently, listening for His voice to speak to me.

chasing the unattainable

i am forever desiring to be in a place i am not. I try so hard to be content where i am but yet i always fail. i always want the man i cannot have. i always want what i cannot have. Lately I have been thinking so much about love. I try not to talk about it because at Northwest, that's the cliche thing for a girl. But for me, I've always been the biggest hopeless romantic there is. The greatest desire i have in life is to love; be it God, or my future husband, my future kids, my family, my friends, those who have no hope for life. I was built to love and to be loved. I think that's why it is the greatest command. So why is it so hard for that to happen? Why do i always like those who never like me? I try not to analyze things too much but being a girl, that is hard. I tend to think something is wrong with me, and maybe, just maybe if i did this or that, then they would like me; if i dressed nicer, or did my hair, or wore more makeup, actually looked more presentable, then that would get their attention. SO STUPID! I am who i am. I know who i am. But when your entire life, you are constantly compared to everyone else around you who love actually comes their way, it is hard not to think something is wrong with you. People say when you least expect it, it will come. But my reply is, what if you are never not expecting it? What if that is your biggest dream in life, to be loved? I try but i cannot stop thinking about it. More than the love of a guy too, but that passion, that emotion that comes from loving and being love. That intensity, vigor. I want to know that, to feel that. Sigh, when that day comes, beware, because I will love like I have never loved before. :) It is so exciting to me. The expectation. Incredible.