Orchestrating of things.

It's been a long time since I last posted a blog. One would like to think that a lot has changed and while I might be quick to say life hasn't changed much, that would do many a great injustice. For life has changed quite a bit in the last year.

In confusion, anxiety, uncertainty, lack of direction, I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time, after I had already finished my BA degree, just to then begin graduate school. I had some ludicrous idea that I should enter the Masters in teaching program since it was only one year more and since I like school, why not?

What crazy person gets a masters degree just for the sake of having one? Me. I tried to justify getting this degree by saying that it was to have another source of income if need be. However, as the year went by and my work load was becoming unbearable and my teaching experience, traumatizing, I was slowly figuring out that all I wanted was to be out of that place, to be in the spot where I was happy; where it was me and God; my life made some kind of sense. Everything had become so hectic and negative that I couldn't find myself amidst it all. I was losing my identity and my passion for life, or for anything.

It's hard to say to people that I just work as a nanny and as a receptionist at a car dealership. They see my resume or they ask me, so since you're finished with grad school, are you going to teach? I have to keep looking into their confused eyes and say, Nope. I just want to be free from that. Sadly, something that I thought and maybe still do love, has been tarnished with the faces of a few people that made me never want to be a teacher. Everytime I think of being one, or of entering into a school, I am reminded by my horrible experience and how I am free now.

On the contrary, I still feel like I don't really know what I want--or maybe I do, but I'm just too scared to pursue it. This "it" i'm referring to, is ministry. I really do love it but I always think to myself....how many girl pastors are there really? HARDLY ANY! and how am I supposed to pay my bills when they don't make any money?! I know I know. For a person who wants to be in ministry, I sure do lack faith. I admit. I do. I'm not the greatest at believing everything will be okay. It's because so much in my life has gone wrong, that I don't trust---I tend not to trust people and I tend to be scared to trust God.

But I'm slowly inching my way back to the core of my being, to the place where my passion dwells. I'm taking my pastoral credential exam in August. I signed a lease on a new apartment...all mine. Life seems to be falling into place but sadly, I will have to leave some of it behind. That means saying goodbye to the boys that I have nannied for 2 years. My heart breaks just thinking about it but I know that "He who began a good work, is faithful to complete it."

Holdfast to that. For no matter what comes in life, He who has called you is faithful."