Orchestrating of things.

It's been a long time since I last posted a blog. One would like to think that a lot has changed and while I might be quick to say life hasn't changed much, that would do many a great injustice. For life has changed quite a bit in the last year.

In confusion, anxiety, uncertainty, lack of direction, I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time, after I had already finished my BA degree, just to then begin graduate school. I had some ludicrous idea that I should enter the Masters in teaching program since it was only one year more and since I like school, why not?

What crazy person gets a masters degree just for the sake of having one? Me. I tried to justify getting this degree by saying that it was to have another source of income if need be. However, as the year went by and my work load was becoming unbearable and my teaching experience, traumatizing, I was slowly figuring out that all I wanted was to be out of that place, to be in the spot where I was happy; where it was me and God; my life made some kind of sense. Everything had become so hectic and negative that I couldn't find myself amidst it all. I was losing my identity and my passion for life, or for anything.

It's hard to say to people that I just work as a nanny and as a receptionist at a car dealership. They see my resume or they ask me, so since you're finished with grad school, are you going to teach? I have to keep looking into their confused eyes and say, Nope. I just want to be free from that. Sadly, something that I thought and maybe still do love, has been tarnished with the faces of a few people that made me never want to be a teacher. Everytime I think of being one, or of entering into a school, I am reminded by my horrible experience and how I am free now.

On the contrary, I still feel like I don't really know what I want--or maybe I do, but I'm just too scared to pursue it. This "it" i'm referring to, is ministry. I really do love it but I always think to myself....how many girl pastors are there really? HARDLY ANY! and how am I supposed to pay my bills when they don't make any money?! I know I know. For a person who wants to be in ministry, I sure do lack faith. I admit. I do. I'm not the greatest at believing everything will be okay. It's because so much in my life has gone wrong, that I don't trust---I tend not to trust people and I tend to be scared to trust God.

But I'm slowly inching my way back to the core of my being, to the place where my passion dwells. I'm taking my pastoral credential exam in August. I signed a lease on a new apartment...all mine. Life seems to be falling into place but sadly, I will have to leave some of it behind. That means saying goodbye to the boys that I have nannied for 2 years. My heart breaks just thinking about it but I know that "He who began a good work, is faithful to complete it."

Holdfast to that. For no matter what comes in life, He who has called you is faithful."

the ramblings of an insomniac

Some fear change while others welcome it with open arms. Graduation is one of those moments in which some embrace the uncertainty of their future like it's the only thing they have, while others fall into a dreaded and weary cycle of doubt and misdirection. I on the other hand fall somewhere in the middle. Cliche as it sounds, I am excited to some extent as to where the future will take me. I know the plans that God has for me are far greater than those that I can imagine. However, it becomes quite disheartening when one is oblivious as to what those plans actually entail. This time for me, the past couple weeks, has been refreshenly relaxing yet anxiety-filled as I struggle to find a second job. Trying to coordinate another job with my current one, the bills I need to pay, my future school plans, etc. is considerably overwhelming and causing my hair to turn grey. I don't want to get stuck having a job that I don't really love just for the sake of having one. Trust is a word that will have to consume my thoughts. Perseverance was my word for the first 4 years of college, so I guess that it is time to discover a new facet of God's power and grace. Trust is something I don't like to do; it is a word that holds countless painful memories; trust is something that God will have to show me so that I can learn to follow. As for now, I say farewell for I am too exhausted to continue the ramblings of an insomniac. ciao.

mumbles of an insomniac

i can't sleep. haven't been able to lately. don't know why. it's probably why i can't seem to get over my sickness the past couple weeks. my body yearns for sleep like it yearns for life.

i have like 6.5 weeks left till graduation. i have never been so scared in my entire life. i can't hide behind school anymore. i'm an adult. life is happening whether i like it or not. i have no clue what's going to happen. i have no where to live and no money and even better, no job prospectives.

everyone i know already has summer plans of which i'm not included. i never thought i'd be graduating and so alone already. my life is chaos. i have so much homework piling up it's ridiculous. must graduate.

my eyes are burning right now, i'm so tired. i have a test tomorrow. definitely not prepared. guessing i'll be sick tomorrow morning from lack of sleep...or should i say this morning in about 5 hours. ugh. depressing, this lack of sleep.

i turned the radio on...maybe that will put me to sleep. i have a really long day tomorrow. and then i'm flying to california friday morning. people are annoying right now. maybe that's cuz i'm tired but i'm not thinking so. i need money....bad. i have so much to pay for right now and not enough money. i need a new car. mine is a piece of @#(*$. yep. that describes it.

i don't want to graduate. can i stay in school forever? i really want to go to grad school so that i can get my teaching certification....but nevertheless....no money for that. instead i'll get a lame job...not doing what i really want to...and paying on my million dollars of student loans until i'm old and decrepid.

that sounded hopeless. i'm ranting.

oh and everyone always comes to me ranting about their lives...their boy issues...blah blah blah.
i'm happy to help them but HELLO i have my own chaotic life to deal with and no one is trying to help me, or listen to my problems. no one seems to care about what is happening in my life.

i'm just as sick and tired of boys or lack there of. pretty sure i never thought i'd be graduating college and have never been in a relationship of any sort...not even a date.

i'm glad to an extent cuz i have standards but at the same time...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? what is it about me that guys aren't drawn to??? please inform me because it drives me nuts.

it's like having your biggest dream sitting right and front of you and someone telling you that all you can do is look and it but never touch it...never have it.

torture!

oh change...i love and hate it.

right now...i am moreso hating it.

this is me screaming in frustration. SKDFOSJOKFJSLDKFJLSDJFLSDKJFL

i need to go to sleep now. if possible.

wildfires: by Alissa Moreno

when you get the feeling it's not in you

and all those times remind you of what you can't do

remember me, i've lost and loved and i am not giving up

though i've been torn, i've been used, i've been fooled, i've abused all my rights to living

Cuz we survive, we get by

we take those hits and we learn to fight

we collide, but we don't die

trying to burn out, don't you put out

wildfires...

Let them come

Let them burn up everything that's made me

till the end i swear i'm never gonna let them break me.

though I've been crushed, i've been killed

i am scared but God i will keep on tryin to mount this crazy hill

we survive, we get by

we take those hits and we learn to fight

we collide, we don't die

tryin to put out, dontcha put out

when there's no doubt how it's gonna turn out

let them burn out, dontcha put out

wildfires.

the thumping of an empty dream

i know my feelings are probably magnified in light of the christmas season, but more than ever am i desiring to fall in love. As cheezing as it sounds, it's true. Love is in the air. The more I listen to christmas music, the more I realize how much i love Christ and he loves me, the more i see couples wandering the streets at night admiring the xmas lights, the more i realize how much i want that. I want that man that desires to be with me. That man that i know would give everything he had for me and i for him.

now i know in due time things will work themselves out, but it's so hard. I always knew that i was a hopeless romantic. Someone once told me that when i loved i would love hard. Don't think that i'm dying here or extremely impatient, because i'm neither. I can wait, I have no choice. But i'm at that point where it hurts inside because I want to fall in love so badly.

It's exciting to think of the day when i will and what that might look like. But until then, i will sit listening to the thump of an empty dream.

Happy holiday season to everyone.

misrepresentation of the church and God.

i was watching the news last night and once again, i saw that church from the midwest out protesting at soldiers' funerals with their signs and listening to other protests about how much God hates fags, etc. I hate that they do that. I hate that they give Christians a bad rep. I remember hearing a statement once that said Christians are the number one reason people are atheists! These people are that cause...or a big part of it. So i went to their website and posted a comment, because i figured, i'm going to use my voice for good and let them know what i think.

this is what i wrote:

as a fellow christian...how can you sit and do the things you do (i.e. pickett at funerals) and say that it's biblical? how can you say that God hates fags? how can you use that kind of language? Last time i checked and i'm pretty sure any other christian would agree...the gospel is about compassion, Jesus' ministry was about helping the poor, those in need, not tearing them down with harsh words and ridiculous acts. The words that you speak have the ability to speak life and just as well, death. And the image that you portray to the world as christians does not in any way represent the image and character of Christ. It is sad to me to think that you could use your influence and media coverage to truly testify to God's goodness and desire to have a personal relationship with his creation. Yea people in this world do wrong things, but to act like you're exempt from that is ludacris. We are all sinners, we all fall short of the glory of God! But the beautiful thing is that God is a redemptive God. He is gracious. And it our job to share that GOOD NEWS with those who don't know it, but it isn't our job to save them...that is for the Holy Spirit to do, to work in their hearts. From out of the heart, the mouth speaks. The words that you are speaking to this nation, reflect your heart. And the only thing that is apparent to those that see you, is that you aren't full of the characteristics of God, you're full of judgmental and hateful comments. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. But to be in Christ is to transform your heart, your likeness to be like His.

disappointments....

so first off, i feel utterly selfish in thinking this...but i can't help it. This friday is my 21st birthday; a birthday that is supposed to mark all others; one that commemorates the start of an entirely new chapter of life; one that you get to share with your family and friends. Well for me, I won't get to see my mom or brother, and so she said she'd send my present along with my contacts that had arrived. So i pick up the bag from my grandma's to find my contacts, a jump rope, and a 25 dollar giftcard. Now my contacts, i didn't think were part of my present....HELLO i can't see without them!! i would have bought them but the place is at home. Then secondly, who buys someone a freakin jump rope for their 21st birthday?! i don't freakin remember the last time i used one! Give me a break! And then a giftcard, while i appreciate the thought, i can barely buy a stinkin shirt at the store with $25! I thought, well maybe since this is my 21st she'd do something special....guess not. I thought, i'm gonna get something super cool, something i've always wanted....but nope, nothing like that.
I feel bad that i'm so sad because it should be the thought that counts....but it makes me cry! There are so many things that i really wanted and i had expected....
guess this isn't going to be the birthday i had hoped for...
it won't be the special moment i had dreamed for...
it'll just be another year wasted
another tear shed
another disappointment to add to the list of many.